To the few who I’ve drug along with me on this KindlingTruth journey,
I feel like I own you a better explanation of why I’m walking away from this blog-ministry. Some have expressed good thoughts about the work here and have urged me to continue, and I really do appreciate that.
This is going to be a hard one. On one hand, I write this because I think I owe it to some of you. On the other hand, I some-what hope to run you off. You might understand why after reading this.
Some have been with me since this started, and you probably noticed a back and forth that I wrestle with that goes in between harsh judgment and mercy. You probably notice a back and forth that goes in between a sense that I have somewhat to share that can “fix” problems in the Christian world and the belief that I should accept the current status of things as Gods will, and therefore leave it be and continue focusing on my own growth.
These opposing perspectives and natures are just the beginning of what I’ve shared. Partially because I’m usually a very private person and partially because I am often confused by my own nature. It’s hard for me to see myself sometimes because there’s so much contradiction wrapped up in this one person.
In my attempts to understand, I started exploring my personality further and discovered that there is an entire personality “type” that fits me very well. Learning about this helped me understand myself better, which should be a good thing, right? Yes and no.
My “type” is very polarized. We are either very good or very bad…and I’ve struggled with both. I want to do what’s right and I pursue those things. I love Jesus and I love righteousness. Yet, I have a great potential for darkness. When combined with the way my “type” takes in information and applies what we learn, we can be very formidable and influential when it comes to our passions…but only if placed in the spotlight. Many of us are very shy and lack confidence, which might be a good thing.
I know this to be true of myself. It’s hard to get a real sense of it when reading written words. When I speak openly about things I’m passionate about, people get drawn in, or so I’ve been told. Some close to me have heard me speak about the faith, how I see the world and so on. They have suggested that I should get out there more by starting a YouTube channel or find some other way to share these things. However, I don’t. I don’t because I lean towards being very private and I have a fear of public speaking. I also don’t because some place deep down I knew there was potential for things to go wrong. There is temptation to vanity and control — and also despair if I were to fail.
On one hand I’m vain enough to think that if people would just listen to me, I could make things right. Pair that with a passionate way of speaking and the way my mind draws connections that resonate with people, and I know people very well might listen. Some anyway. Those that love the things of God would listen. Yet, I don’t think it is my place to “fix” things…that is only for Jesus to do. Also, like I mentioned, I have potential within me for going bad. Think of the polarizing characters of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and Adolf Hitler. Yeah, that polarized.
On the plus side, I understand this personality “type.” So, maybe that will be of use one day. If a bad side of this coin were to become prominent, I don’t think I’d fall for their tactics. That could be useful for people.
Meanwhile, I want to say that it’s wrong of me to lump everyone in with my own vanities and other weaknesses. There are some great ministries out there online and in the “real” world. The dark things I have seen in these are visible to me because they exist in myself…ouch.
Sorry if I offended any good-meaning ministers with solid characters. I don’t mean to, and it’s not our place to judge these things. Thanks to a special two who have kept me grounded (you know who you are). You probably did not realize how essential you were in keeping me from going off of the rails.
So, this is my final farewell. At least I think it is for KindlingTruth. I will do what is hard for me to do, yet also very relieving. I will walk away and refuse my impulses to take charge of things in order to change the world to fit my ideas of righteousness, because I don’t know God really. Jesus is King. Not me.
I want to know Jesus better, and I want to see Jesus work in my life more fully. I want to focus on implementing what I’ve learned the last few years to my own life better and better. There’s some good stuff here, I don’t deny that. So I’ll leave the articles up. Discussions are always welcome, and I’m happy to serve people on an individual level. If you need someone to talk to about your walk, shoot me an email. That is, if I haven’t scared you away.
The Kingdom Come! Until then, I’m happy to have time to wait, enjoy the blessings of this life, and keep pursuing the kingdom in my own heart and life. I pray the Lord bless all of you who have been a part of this. I love you all ❤