Difficult Place to Be

I’m going to forewarn beforehand that this is a personal kind of article. I wouldn’t call it a rant, but maybe it is a bit of venting, though I’m not angry. I’m not even upset for myself all that much. I just hate seeing people I care about upset. I hate feeling like I have to choose between standing up for what I believe is right and keeping peace with people I love. Maybe it’s selfish of me to feel like I need to make where I am coming from clear. I don’t even know if I can make it clear. Maybe I should have counted the cost appropriately before I started KindlingTruth.

I think of when Jesus asked some of his disciples if they could drink from the cup he had to drink from. Can I? I don’t think so. I would like to be able to say yes, but I know I do not have that kind of strength. Anyway, I asked to understand what is true. I asked to see things the way the Lord sees things, and of course I do not know all truth and there is much I cannot see — like the hearts of man for example. However, what I’ve been shown is enough for now. Sufficient to this time is the evil thereof for sure.

I am not in an easy position. And again, if I had known what I was asking for, I do not know if I would have asked. Then I wonder, did I really have a choice in the first place? I certainly do not feel like I have a choice. Either way, here I am. What should I do? Tuck tail and run? Deny my conscience? I can’t. I cannot go back to the dead things and call it living.

It is an interestingly difficult position. The more I understand — not in matters of doctrine, but in matters of righteous living, the gospel, and the commandments of Jesus, the more I grow in love and compassion for people. Yet, at the same time, the more I see is wrong with much preaching. I cannot go back to what I used to be, though because I have been there, I understand. I understand why the things I write can be upsetting.

I have believed the traditional views, and I was not nice to people who threatened those ideas. I have lived very sinfully. I have come out of many things and been shown a better way by the grace of the Lord, so I really do get it. I sympathize with most positions and sins, yet, being one who speaks out against bad teaching and unrighteousness makes me one who is despised. The more I love people, the more I am despised. It is ironic.

I know my attitude is not always as it should be. However, there is something I would love people to understand. There is a separation between the hard things I say and me. These are not from me. Sometimes they are tainted by me, certainly. Sometimes my emotions get the best of me and the message is not in the right spirit. The Lord is working on that, and I am glad I did not have many readers at the beginning. Things are picking up, and I’m feeling the pressure. The pressure to seek the Lord to bring me into perfect subjection, especially where KindlingTruth is concerned.

I love the Lord and all that is true, but sometimes the cost is high. Especially when you live in a time when standing up for what is true and when “marking” those that teach contrary means standing against the majority.

Anyhow, I’ve said it before and it is worth saying again and again. I love people. I do not judge the salvation of any person or denomination of Christianity. I get no pleasure in going against the grain of tradition. I’ve always been quiet, one who conforms, and one who cannot stand drawing attention to herself.

When I learned what is true, when Jesus sent his Holy Spirit and began to free me, I could not just sit back and do nothing. If you think I am deceived, then I ask you treat me the way I would treat you. Love me anyway. Pray for me. Do not become bitter, angry, or take the things I write personally. If you read something and walk away angry, I cannot help you. Talk to me. Especially if you are a brother or sister in Christ.

I appreciate those of you who have been supportive, who have helped me to see error, and who continue to help me grow. Thank you for your prayers, your love, and your patience.